TCF Rogue Valley Chapter ~ Reading Room

Winter raindrops

by Lindy McClean, TCF, Medford, OR

Thick winter raindrops turn into fragrant spring showers. The long hot days of summer give way to crisp fall mornings and the shadows begin to lengthen again. The seasons keep changing and I can't keep up with this pace of time.

As a bereaved parent, time is very confusing to me. It frightens me to realize that seasons have changed since my daughter dies, and I can't remember that happening. At the end of most days I can't even recall what the weather was like that morning. Gray, I guess.

It feels like my daughter died just yesterday, but I know it's been forever since I've seen her. Everyone around me continues to move forward. The calendar pages turn, but I've been left behind. Special dates and painful holidays have come and gone. How did I live through all those days? I still don't know how I'll make it from morning to evening, and then evening to morning.

My daughter's friends have now graduated and moved away. Last month my son became the same age as his older sister. This disorder frustrates me. Even my own aging is not in the right proportion to the time that has passed. I feel so old.

Will time always be out of balance for me? How long will this pain and sorrow continue? I can't bear to think about forever, yet I contemplate eternity. I want a future, but the past weighs me down and the present takes all my energy.

I'm quite sure now that time does not heal my wounds, but I believe that it takes time to complete this "grief work." Time has different value to me since my daughter's death. There is a new pace and rhythm to my life. I'm looking forward and working toward the day when I will be able to move along smoothly with the ever changing seasons.