TCF Rogue Valley Chapter ~ Reading Room

Looking back, moving forward

by Carol Clum, TCF, Medford, OR

Recently, I awoke to a rainy Sunday morning; the kind of day easily spent in bed. I gathered my strength, retrieved the Sunday paper and proceeded to read about the Oregon National Guard stationed in the Sinai. A reporter shared statistics for desert rainfall--it's extremely rare. Further into the story, one soldier speaks of surviving far from home. He compares the Sinai to Oregon and concludes, "The worst part about being here is not being home." He quickly got to the heart of the matter and caused me to make a profound statement of my own; "The worst part about my child's death is that he's not here."

I'm reminded of a quote from Winnie the Pooh. Pooh sticks his head in the honey pot and says, "Oh brother! All that's left is the empty part." That pretty much describes where I sat that gray Sunday morning. It's the day before my child's birthday and I've got a big black hole in my life. Perhaps the only reason I get out of bed is to honor my child by struggling to go on without him.

For a long time, simply rising out of bed consumes all our energy. It may be years before we are able to consider what might be done with the empty space. Let's admit that filling the space can be a fearful, unhappy idea. It's normal to want to preserve the space in memory of our precious child. Let's also admit that we will never succeed at completely filling the emptiness where our children once lived. Knowing this, perhaps the worst thing we can do is to leave it empty.

As the New Year approaches, we may find ourselves reflecting on our many losses. Hopefully, there will be times in the coming year when we can also become aware that many things remain. When you are ready, I believe you will begin to put pieces of your new life into the empty space.

It seems appropriate that the first day of January is dedicated to the Roman god, Janus, who is pictured with one head looking forward and the other gazing back. Janus presided over all that is double-edged in life. Before our children died, it was easier to bid farewell to the old year and resolve to have a better, happier New Year. Now we're more likely to yearn to go back to happier times. The future seems uncertain.

Janus was invoked at the most important beginnings in the life of an individual. For the newly bereaved, each day is a beginning as we struggle to find reasons to get out of bed. We awake to assaulting reminders of loss and fall exhausted into bed at night--perhaps sleeping, perhaps not. It doesn't take a New Year to change the way we live.

If you have felt anger, guilt, betrayal, regret, fear or unbearable pain, there is hope that these feelings may lose some of their power in the coming year. Ironically, life's tragedies are an opportunity to examine the deeper meaning and to recommit to living with purpose. In whatever way possible, try to move forward each day remembering that we give away none of the love we have for our child by going forward. On the other hand, we don't fail if we cannot complete our resolution. I can almost hear our children cheering us on as we once cheered for them. As 2002 changes to 2003, perhaps we can simply breath a sigh of relief for surviving the past year and hope for a gentler New Year.

New Year's irresolutions (do whatever you are able to do, no pressure):

Recognize that your daily functioning is impacted. Give yourself permission to do less than is normally expected of you.

Take good care of body, mind, and spirit. Try a warm bath, a massage, nap, walk, or a short drive. Organize things or make a mess! Listen to music, water, birds. Have a hot beverage. Sing, dance, cry, yell or talk to a silent listener.

Eat and exercise appropriately. Keep moving, even if only one-step at a time. It doesn't even have to be forward movement! Estin Kiger returns for our March meeting to demonstrate Tai-chi movements.

Forgive others for behaving in inappropriate or insensitive ways. Become a channel of love, peace and compassion. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle" (John Watson). Bring a caring friend to our February meeting.

Practice hugging, offer to be a TCF greeter.

Smile. Enjoying life is not a sign that you loved less.

Look for people who can benefit from your enhanced spirit and compassion. This can be as simple as cleaning out closets to donate clothes or as challenging as helping Habitat for Humanity build a house.

Practice conservation. Use non-toxic cleaners. Buy recycled. Compost.

Keep a Journal. I'll share writing ideas at our January meeting. Hope to see you there!